Just another Friday night spent getting Q-ed

I went to the local workplace hangout, a dive bar/pit/hole in the wall called the Q, after finishing up at work today. Some of my old co-workers were dropping by and I was excited at the chance to go over and say hello for a drink or two. Of course I ended up leaving around 10. Everytime I go in there I feel like I lose 3-4 hours of my life.

Tonight upset and irritated me. It started off alright I suppose. Met up with everyone, sat down, socialized a bit. Met this guy named Cliff who used to be on the IT team before I started. He immediately bought a round of shots, and a beer for me. Sure, fine, company camaraderie. No biggie. You don't know me at all except that we happened to share the same employer at one point, and you want to shell out for my evening? Ok whatevs. I wasn't planning on drinking a lot anyways. Had to drive to the city.

Cliff then asks me if he can take a survey and see how I felt about something. Ok I say. He then delved into: "What would you do if two of your first cousins were getting married to each other. Would you go to their wedding?" HUH?!?! I'm sorry, what? I then find out that this is indeed going on in Cliff's family, i.e. two of his first cousins are getting married in a month (in California, where this sort of thing is legal). Would I go? Hell no I said, but of course in a thin-lipped, more polite way.

He stared me down, pondering my answer . "But they are your FAMILY, you love them, you are close to them. Wouldn't that alter your choice?"

I told him frankly no, it wouldn't. Not going to a wedding like that wouldn't mean that I would love either of them any less. It would just mean that I don't sanction their marriage and frankly am horrified by it. I told Cliff this and he told me that it would be different it if were in my family. I told him sure, fine, say that but I don't picture myself condoning something that messed up and disgusting. Great first impression, Cliff. Nice guy but man was that an embarrassingly bizarre topic to bring up to a complete stranger. Maybe I'm being cold hearted, but the last time I checked the Q wasn't Dr. Phil's office, or better yet, Jerry Springer's sideshow.

So that was weird enough. I then started talking to Midi and Dave, and we watched an old employee named Julie (she's a total guy shark, she loves to hit on every single younger guy that works with us) hit on another recently ex-employee. He seemed to be ok with it despite Dave and Midi waving to him frantically and giving him the "dude kill it" signal behind Julie's back. This made me laugh a bit, and prompted me to jokingly turn to Dave and say: "Wow, what do you guys say about me when I'm not around?"

This guy looks me straight in the eye and says "We think you're a goody two-shoes." Just like that. Bored right into me, waiting for my reaction. "I'm not sorry I said that, I say it like it is" was the next reply.

Now Dave barely knows a thing about me other than my job title. We've eaten lunch and gone drinking a few times in a group, but still. I asked him why he felt this defined me. "Because....I think you're all talk. You're a goody two-shoes because you can't really party or hang. At least I have yet to see it."

I felt that silent rage coasting up inside me, that bile-like anger. So basically I'm thought of as a goody two-shoes because they've never seen me slammed, don't know how I party. As if how I drink or party defines my existence and who I actually am. It infuriated me. Sometimes all I need is a major trigger to ruin my mood and train of thought for the rest of the night. At times the strangest things will set me off. This was one of those things. I kept looking around trying not to think about how angry and insulted this made me feel. For some reason when people really misunderstand me it makes me frustrated and upset. I hate to think that I'm misrepresented or portrayed in a different light. I think part of it is the relinquishing of control (hard for me at times) and how I cannot show them the truth.

I realized that these people don't really know me and who I am. If my real friends heard that they would have laughed hysterically. My good friends can tell you ridiculous stories about me for hours. However does that validate who I am? Heck no. Not even for a second. I am intrinsically complicated and layered (ok yeah, like pretty much everyone in the world). If you reach my inner core then there's something rather remarkable about you. You've figured out how to obtain the unobtainable.

So I sat there, played nice, but my mind began reeling. Once something triggers me, I start to detach. When this happens I do my best to disguise my plight from others because it's very rare that anyone understands why mere feelings can ruin my night. I detach and start viewing everyone and everything around me with critical, guarded eyes. It makes me feel like retreating into some imaginary shell or going anywhere where I can be alone without people looking at me, staring at me, making up who I am. I know this all sounds ridiculous, but it's really hard to explain. Even now this doesn't make it clear. These episodes make me shut down and close myself up. I feel like something or someone has wronged or affected me, and I'm scrambling to board myself up.

I'm so very sensitive about a lot of things. That's why I get the way I do. I have yet to meet another human being with my exact personality type. If I did I think that would be utterly scary. As much as I read into other people's minds/behaviors and tell them my dissection of their inner workings, when people do it to me and call me out on it, I'm terrified beyond all reason. I dish it out but can't take it. It terrifies me. I close people out of my deepest self all the time. If you knew everything that made me me, and what goes through my mind on a daily basis you probably would think differently of me. I'm a weird person. Some of my natural thoughts that occur subconsciously would consciously make someone concerned if they could hear them. Things that I think are normal really aren't. I'm starting to realize this now more than ever. Things I take for granted as a way of life really aren't for 99% of the world? I don't use a crutch but I still think about this stuff.

I was tense driving all the way home. I knew I wasn't drunk since I only had 2 beers and 1 shot over a span of 4 hours. This Toyota Highlander started tailgating me hardcore and I sat rigidly in my seat and felt really nervous and scared. I wish someone had been in my passenger seat to tell me it's ok, don't worry, let them pass you. A lot of times I need someone there, but no one is. Yeah I know- somebody call the wahhh-bulance. I just miss having someone there.

Midi and I got to talk a lot tonight. He recently got a divorce and is trying to put his life back together. He kept petting the side of my head and saying that I was pretty much the cutest thing he's ever seen, and the sweetest. People tend to do this to me a lot. I'm not bothered by Midi doing it because he and I are good friends and I know that he thinks of me as a little sister. But I find that a lot of guys think of me as some sort of adorable pet who they can coo at and declare how cute I am. I'm sick of that. Treat me like I'm 23, not some 8 year old that you saw perform at her first piano recital. Everyone always tells me that I look way younger than my real age and that I should take this as a major compliment. No, I don't want to. I'm frankly insulted to be thought of as a 19 year old. Or how about when people find out I graduated in 2006 and then they ask me from what high school. I feel that people making comments like that erases the things I've done, even though I know of course it really doesn't.

Midi and I kept talking about relationships and life goals. I told him that I'm so weary, so ready for someone to take care of me again. I don't want to be the one to do everything. Someone find me and just want to take care of me too. Even when I think I've found that beautiful specimen, the one who is just perfect for me, I reach forward and clutch it in my hands and crush it, like the child in "Artist of the Beautiful" who grabs Owen's life work, the beautiful butterfly, and crushes it all in one instant.

I want it but when I find it I get scared and try to ruin it. Or I try to keep it and it gets crushed anyway. I will get so far with someone and then feel vulnerable or scared and take it away from the emotional direction and steer it to what's safe. Protecting oneself. Being greedy and driving them away. I do it knowingly sometimes. Midi reminded me that he's out there. I know he is. I have so much to offer, so much to give. He reminded me of this, and reiterated how amazing of a person I really am. Once again, a lot of time praise like this falls on deaf ears. Not all the time, but it did in this case. I had already been triggered tonight to be close minded and cold.

I talked to J on the way home to Chicago, and he laughed and said he thought what Dave said about me being a goody two-shoes was amusing because they don't know me all that well and don't know how I am. He's right. We started texting tonight like crazy again. That probably means that my plan will go over. Last time this happened my texts were out of control numbers-wise. Dangit.

He mentioned again that he's going to spend more time with me soon to catch up and see my new place. That makes me feel happy. I was sitting here in my place wounded and somewhat depressed, and hearing someone reach out and want to talk to me made me feel so connected. I walked from my parking garage to my apartment through throngs of drunken people, and remembered what I felt like freshman year when I realized that to live in Chicago oftentimes equals feeling really alone. To be constantly surrounded by people when you feel somewhat lonely is a kick in the shins. So emo of me.

Tomorrow I'm most likely going to meet up with Kyle at the Cubby Bear where he's working. We've been messaging constantly the past two days. I don't even really know why I'm doing this. He has a girlfriend, I'm not interested, but for some reason I want to theoretically hold something and just squeeze until they can't breathe anymore. I feel slightly empty about it. I don't mind the idea of meeting up with an old friend and that's how I'm going to view it. He's been really flirting with me the past two days but I know better. He keeps drudging up old memories with me. Things that I'd rather not recall. I don't know what he wants from me but I have a feeling I'll find out tomorrow.

This post will probably self destruct after you read it, or after I wake up and realize it's ridiculously unnecessary.