Stevo (and no, I don't care if this is cheesy)

My brother Steve just left my apartment. Two bottles of wine, a mini bottle of Mr. J. Beam, and one dinner later, to be exact. I love seeing my brother and spending time with him.

On some levels he and I couldn't be more different. He's always been the extreme social butterfly. He literally has more friends in more places than I can count. I've always been really friendly and social, but nothing on the same level as Steve. He's the stereotypical high school football jock who was friends with all the cheerleaders and ringleaders of the school. He's charismatic, a natural born leader, smart, and full of absolutely great ideas. He's more liberal (for now), has conflicting lifestyles/viewpoints than me but it all doesn't matter. He and I fit together personality-wise like nobody's damn business. We make quite a team. People are often envious of our close relationship. I like being a model for others to emulate, although I can admit our relationship is different from most. I constantly want to take care of him. I consider him my best friend. We tell each other nearly everything, seek advice from the other, share friends, and live our lives together.

So much of who I am comes from my brother, and vice versa. Growing up we were all each other had. We fought at first, but then learned to make the most of it. This paid off infinitely. We went from fighting everyday in junior high to telling each other everything. Funny how that happens. He emulates me and what I've accomplished; I cherish what he's done in his life and the new things he brings to the table. He's a way bigger risk taker than I am. I play almost everything safe (save a few things) but he takes more risks and takes chances way more than me. He shows me that taking risks/chances can pay off.

Sometimes I think that Steve has 9 lives like a cat. He sometimes does things that are completely foolish/risky/irresponsible, but never gets caught or in trouble. I know that if I did the same things, I would be busted beyond all imagination. However despite this, he has a great head on his shoulders and has amazing family values, respect, and emotion.

At times I wonder about my other sibling that never was; the baby that my mom lost when I was 13. I think about my brother and how I literally could not live without him, and then I think of that baby who never got a chance. I think about how different our family would have been, our experiences, if that baby lived. It's still hard for me to see the good in that situation. I'm still not quite sure why God intended that path for my family. I do know one thing though- my brother and I continue to get closer and closer as the years go by. Our family goes on and live our lives but there's always that passing thought of what could have been. I especially wince when someone mentions miscarriages in front of my mother. I stoically sit and pretend like nothing's wrong, but secretly I want to reach across the table and clap my hand over the person's mouth.

I am so proud of the man my brother is becoming. When he left tonight I wish he could have stayed longer. I miss him so much even though we live so close. I miss living at home with him and seeing him everyday, although now I am beyond lucky that we share the same city. He is the one person I could absolutely not live without. He is literally connected to my soul.

I know this entry is so cheesy but I'm thinking about him right now, wishing he was back here to keep talking to me. I would literally do anything for him, and he would do anything for me. He is my little and older brother all at the same time. I couldn't be prouder of him, or love him more than I already do.