I'm Baacckkkkkk

I know, I know. Before you give me that look, let me have a chance to defend myself. I've been busy with work! I'm too tired when I get home! I don't have time to blog anymore! My life is just so dull I wouldn't want to bore you with it!

OK only some of those things are true.

I have to say that I've missed y'all. A lot. The days of Kayleigh blogging/reading your lovely thoughts at work are now a thing of the past. While I love love love my new job, I lament the days of yore when I could regale everyone in the blogging community with my thoughts on a regular basis.

Since I've been M.I.A. for awhile, I've accrued a list of life-experiences-turned-blogging topics, such as:

-Nearly concussing myself while rollerblading

-Having a green and purple bruise from the inside of my right elbow to my wrist, accompanied by intricate bloody scratches due to intense impact with a concrete wall

-Being completely done with The Enigma

-Getting lost while driving home from my grandparent's lakehouse (how is this possible?) and driving north on Harlem Avenue from 158th street at 10 p.m. at night. May I add at one point I was a mere 2 blocks from Englewood, and that every time I hit a stoplight I prayed that the hoodlums lurking on the corner wouldn't find a way to make eye contact with me and/or pick me off with their glocks and semi-automatic weapons

-How a homeless man commented on how beautiful my pedicure was

-How I went out to lunch with a new co-worker last Friday who works in the other office 6 blocks away from me only to discover that he is drop dead gorgeous, and his God-given name sounds like that of a Super Hero. I'm trying to ignore the fact that 1) I don't date co-workers (or shouldn't) and 2) He mentioned he has a girlfriend. Twice.

-How going for a run early in the morning shouldn't be attempted without using the restroom first (TMI)

-What it's like to realize that you have less than $15 in your checking account with no paycheck in sight, 1 of your credit cards has been hijacked and therefore rendered useless, and your only other one is nearly maxed out. You realize life is bleak when you have to think really hard when the chick working the register at Panera asks you if you want the soup & sammie combo instead of a mere cup of soup because you aren't sure if you can afford it.

-How my new job supplies an endless amount of pop, string cheese, Cheezits, Starbucks coffee, medicine (I love pills), granola bars, etc. Because of this, I have single-handedly taken down an entire crate of La Croix sparkling water myself within the last week. For free. Before you shudder and say that stuff is disgusting, try it.

But more than anything, I feel compelled to share with you some tales of the Chicago subway system. Now that I have a wonderful new job that allows me to take public transportation on the daily, I've been subjected to a myriad of bizarre and uncomfortable situations.

Every morning I saunter out of my apartment around 7:15 a.m. and walk the 6 or 7 blocks to the Chicago red line stop nearest my house. Every day I see the same construction workers standing outside smoking, the same woman walking her kick-me-dog; the same brunette in high heels teetering to her bus stop of choice.

I meander into the subway, flash my Chicago Card, and dart nimbly down the stairs to the underground abyss and wait for the northbound train.

I crack open my can of Diet Coke, listen to Kanye West's "Good Morning", and read the advertisements for RCN cable on the wall until my vision swims together and the caffeine kicks in.

One transfer at Fullerton later and it's express train time to downtown Evanston, where I then walk 1.5 blocks to my job.

Easy? Yes. Free from creepiness? No way.

Just last week I found myself jammed in a two-seater bench when an abnormally large man took it upon himself to grab the aisle seat and smash me against the grimy window. I muttered to myself and continued reading my B.O.T.M. (book of the moment) when I felt the giant shifting his face away from me, turning his body as well.

I thought nothing of this until I smelled a horrific stench emanating in a cloud from his direction. I glanced down to see his backside resting against my leg. Are you kidding me? You got it, this man was passing gas all over me. I was subjected to 20 minutes of off and on misery. If the car wasn't packed during rush hour I could have escaped. Only this kind of stuff happens to me.

The next day a man in a European track jacket sauntered into my el car and sat 3 rows behind me, listening to music. What he didn't know was that his music was so loud that everyone and their elderly mother could hear his music selection as if it has been their own. Everyone on my half of the el car looked at each other in embarrassment as this young man blasted Miley Cyrus' "See You Again" on repeat for close to 40 minutes, all while tapping his foot to the beat. The rest of the passengers just felt downright embarrassed for him. Do you know what I mean? When everyone in the world gets it but you?

Another favorite habit of mine is getting on the el and silently judging everyone in the car and deciphering who is an out of towner, and who's a reg. Imagine my delight when last Friday I caught my usual 7:30 a.m. northbound train and sat directly across from a volleyball player from UConn. She looked like the typical college athlete- ponytail, sweatshirt bearing her team logo, track pants, gym shoes, a backpack, and a vain attempt to catch up on biology homework in between practice and games. What amused me the most about this young lady was the fact that her UConn athlete game pass was clipped directly to her chest, which bore her full name, picture, and university. If you are a native Chicagoan, you'd know that this is a one-way ticket to disaster. You are practically begging for someone to spend hours googling your name and waiting outside your bushes for you to come home.

I also made eye contact today with a man walking towards me as he stared into my eyes and....zipped his fly. Can you think of anything more awkward? I am convinced awkwardness follows me everywhere.

And last but not least, I'd like to extend a warm and heartfelt "thank you" to the toothless, homeless man who followed me out of the subway today and felt compelled to walk 15 feet behind me for nearly 6 blocks muttering curses and inane babble. No, really, I hope you're waiting for me tomorrow.

On that note, I'm off to sleep. Did I mention that I'm barely sleeping 6.5 hours a night now? Yeah....if anyone has a remedy for sleeplessness that doesn't involve Valium or alcoholism, please share.

More to come soon. I missed you guys.