I Speak the Truth

The following items: true or false? True. All true.

• I was almost pummeled via a 1995-era sludge colored Volvo special on the highway last night coming home from work. I was forced to veer violently onto the shoulder since the idiot next to me opted to not check his blind spot before carelessly deciding to merge into my car. After laying on the horn, this d-bag didn't do the expected "oh my gosh I'm so sorry I didn't see you!" quick jerk back into his respected lane, but TOOK OVER my spot in the left lane without a care in the world. So I had to merge back on the highway BEHIND him. It took every ounce of preservation not to tailgate, give him an unkindly gesture, or open the sunroof and shake my fist in his general direction. In fact, as I was silently seething, I decided that if fate was on my side and we pulled up neck and neck, I would give him the cold hard stare down that basically says, "Do you know what a jackass you are? That the world and society is disappointed in you? That you shouldn't be allowed to drive that P.O.S. car around that you obviously just bought because it has temporary plates? That I want to dent the hood of your car with my fist?". I'm not angry. Really, I'm not.
• When I pulled onto my street there was a chardonnay-colored Infiniti just hanging out on the corner with its hazards on. Immediately noted: the license plate, which read "UHATIN". UHATIN? Really? Hatin' on what? The fact that you chose that license plate? If you're going to be that much of a tool and get that vanity plate, at least slap it on a car that you can really brag about, like a Ferrari or a Mercedes SL 55 AMG. Don't put it on your Infiniti. Please. You probably are one of those people who constantly refer to themselves in the third-person, too.
  
• As I walked to my garage today, two brunette fashionistas flounced past me each wearing designer aviators and clutching humongous cups of Starbucks that seemed to engulf their hands. And as I walked past these two they muttered THE WORD that I cannot stand, that symbolizes the idiocy of mankind, that has somehow slipped into the American lexicon: irregardless. Nothing will send me into orbit faster than hearing some dimwit throw that word into conversation like they are the William Shakespeare of airheads. It's a double negative! It doesn't even make sense!
• The past two days I have eaten my sandwich wrap on the way to work. I've literally eaten my meals in reverse. Lunch was chowed down via car ride (must have looked so attractive- me at a stop light on Chicago's famous Lake Shore Drive, shoving a pita wrap with overflowing lettuce into my mouth), and fruit was consumed at the lunching hour. And somehow? I really liked it.
• Someone barfed up their breakfast, lunch, midday snack, and dinner outside my apartment building the other day. And here we are three days later and the outline of the mess is still staining the concrete.
• One of my co-workers (you know, the one who was concerned about my relationship status) had a long discussion with me yesterday about the sea creature commonly referred to as the octopus. Do you know how freaky those things are? And how strong? I also never knew just how insane their camouflaging abilities are. So you can understand just why I'm so impressed, I've included a picture sequence here of one of these guys as they come out of the 'flage:
  
  
• I am going to Rome, Italy in exactly 21 days. That gives me three weeks to brush up on my Italian, scrape together some cash money, and to dream about all the different flavors of gelato I'm going to cram down my throat. Cannot wait.
• I don't believe I've ever addressed this here, but I absolutely love the British Daily Mail web site. I read it every day with reckless abandon, and they have the best stories around. It kind of has a tabloid feel to it which in turn makes me not-so-secretly more obsessed with reading it. Here's a tiny tidbit of the DM's greatness:
  
  Botox is turning Nicole Kidman into a bat face, says cosmetic guru
  Nicole Kidman has used Botox so much she looks like a bat and is giving cosmetic surgery a bad name, a leading expert on the treatment has claimed

Alright that's all I've got. Don't worry, Manchild's tale will be next.