Things that are utterly baffling to me

The following consists of a short and sweet itemized list of things that I heard today that I find ridiculous, hilarious, or utterly baffling.

1) Now people can text message pizza orders to any Papa John's in the entire country. As if our society could become any more detached or reclusive. Unbelievable. I thought it was crazy enough when in my freshman year of college my dorm floor discovered that you could order Pizza Hut online - you didn't even have to talk to a human being. Now this?

2) In Australia men who dress up as Santa Claus in malls or elsewhere aren't allowed to say "Ho, ho, ho" because it is apparently degrading to women. Well, duh, of course it is. And saying "Merry Christmas" is offensive to everyone who isn't Catholic so we shouldn't say that either. How appalling. Now these Santas have to say "Hey, hey, hey" or "Ha, Ha, Ha" instead of their usual familiar greeting. It's so stupid. I want to punch the country of Australia in the face.

3) Speaking of Australia- Mr. Sexy Back himself was seen golfing in Brisbane. During this fateful outing he was viciously attacked by a Magpie, and was so frightened that he...um...how do I put this delicately? Relieved himself in his pants. Now THAT calls for a "ha, ha, ha!"

4) Some dead bodies were discovered laying by the side of the road at Route 83 and Archer Avenue in Lemont. I'm sorry, WHAT? That's right by my house, and right down the street from a favorite summertime hangout of mine (the Hawaiian Shaved Ice Shack....drool). Since when are dead bodies discovered on the side of the road in my neck of the woods? I know tragedies happen all the time but it was pretty crazy to hear that on the radio this morning.

5) I swear that tiny flecks of snow were sporadically hitting my windshield as I drove to work today. Couple that with the blustery winds at 80 mph it's a miracle I got to work today in one piece. Snow? Really? Now? Grumble.

6) Do you ever get really annoyed by a super slow highway left-hand lane driver? Of course you do. Whenever I am behind a person of this nature who is exceptionally slow, I enjoy staring at them as I pass them, as if they are a sideshow in a circus. What does a dimwitted highway driver actually look like? Let's divert our eyes from the steering wheel and road ahead and gawk at the idiot next to us who added a minute to our commute time due to being the slowest damn person on the road. Makes sense to me.

7) I was just informed that someone has started an office rumor about me. I really, really don't like or appreciate people making stuff up about me. It makes me look like a bad person too. I want to get a bull horn and yell stuff in the general direction of these gossipers. Stupid people.

Glad I got that off my chest.