and I don't know why. It's been beating hard in my chest for about an hour. Is this because I just ate a fistful of Runts candy when I haven't eaten that sugary stuff in that large of a dose since the age of 10? Either way I have to say it's pretty uncomfortable. Just sitting here not really moving and my heart is beating so hard in my chest in a rather uncomfortable manner.
I thought I was going to take a sabbatical from alcohol for at least a week. Oops. Tonight made the 6th night in a row I've drank alcohol in one way or another. Might as well round it out to an even week, right? Ugh. No really though...help me keep that promise to myself. A and I need a (temporary) divorce.
One of the saddest realizations a person can come to is that you are losing a really close friend. Or so you think you are. I thought about this tonight with Allison and Courtney, and how we are slowly watching a good friend slip away. Or rather he is abandoning us of sorts. It's kind of a delicately strange situation. Maybe that's why my heart is pounding. Other than being hyped up on sugar it's getting me worked up over these things. It's just so sad.
Losing a friend or rather watching a close Chicago friend slip away hurts more than seeing a great friend move across the country. I've had two close friends of mine move away and I miss them a lot but at the same time I never really accepted the fact that they left. I talk to them as much as I can and pretend like they are a town away and I could see them whenever I wanted to. Is that weird? I basically lie to myself in order to suppress my emotions. Interesting concept, isn't it.
One of my exes who I'm still really close to called me tonight to talk about how he is at the crossroads of his current relationship. He doesn't know whether to run away or move forward with his current girlfriend and fight it out through the bad. He and I met over coffee a few weeks ago to talk about this same issue. He tried to work things out, but it seems to be on shaky ground. I truly believe that when a couple hits the year mark you either sink or swim. With me it's usually around a year or a year and a half max before something hits the fan. I think that's bewildering. I don't know what it is but some couples who seem the happiest suddenly grow apart and fizzle out after a quick 12 months of puppy love. Maybe when we get older that changes (read: I hope so...), but so far I've seen a lot of trends to support this negative theory. That dreaded one year mark.
I talked to my mom for about 45 minutes on the way home tonight. I totally unleashed a lot of stuff on her that I've been thinking (read: suppressing within myself) and it felt good to come out and say all of those things. She made me realize that I have every right to feel the things I do and that I should plan on going ahead and do what makes me happy. Sorry this is so enigmatic but I don't want to jump the gun on this....but....all I'll say is "we'll see". Moms always know best.
Speaking of moms being the best- I left work today at 7 p.m. after a 9.18 hour workday, utterly exhausted, extremely irritable, and surly. I had to wait two hours for a confirmation from our release company for a PR that's going out at 6:30 a.m. tomorrow morning. I went out to the dark back parking lot to discover that my car was 10 or so spaces away from where I originally parked it. No, wait, maybe I'm mistaken, had to be. Nope, I definitely parked next to the dumpsters this morning and lo and behold, my car is quite a few spots away. Hmmm...I get inside and see a fresh sticker in the upper left portion of the windshield. My mom came during the day with the extra set of keys and took my car for an oil change. Are you kidding me mom? How did I ever deserve to be related to such an amazing woman like you?
It's time to sleep and try to ignore the fact that my heart has a mind of its own.
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