Why I'm Going Straight to Hell: A Homewrecking Tale

I spent a large portion of last week going to White Sox games for work where I sat like a princess (I’m the only girl on my work team) and indulged in a lot of free beer and hot dogs courtesy of my male co-workers. I also managed to get hit on by a guy at a local beach after one of these games who after 1.5 Fat Tires informed me that he steals pairs of sunglasses from 7-11 because they are “too expensive”. Imagine my delight and joy when a minute later he pulled out a hitter and began smoking weed right then and there belly up on his beach towel, blowing noxious smoke towards a set of palm trees and a group of rowdy teenagers tackling each other in a hormonal bout of insecurity.

Good thing I’ve been spending a lot of time hanging out with my buddy L.A. Fitness, Inc. because otherwise running on beach sand would have been kind of tough.

However, let’s cut to the chase. Ladies and gentlemen, I think it’s about time for me to delve into the Homewrecking story.

One of my girlfriends from high school, Lo, invited me to a double birthday party at a particularly notorious bar near DePaul University’s Lincoln Park campus. Since I hadn’t seen Lo in literally two years, I acquiesced, and even expressed glee at visiting said location. There was one hitch- her ex was going to be there, and she needed me to diffuse the awkwardness and distract her so she could drown her emotions in a martini glass. That was all it took to fully convince me. I was in.

Lo showed up a few hours early to my apartment, where we put on some “going out” music and proceeded to down an entire bottle of champagne while sitting demurely on my living room couch. I was wearing my Fire Engine Red shiny stilettos, and a strappy low cut dress. The shoes should have been my first indicator that the night might end in sexual deviance. Whenever (and I mean whenever) I wear “The Red Shoes” something extremely inappropriate happens. The notoriety of said Red Shoes is well known with my girlfriends and other lucky individuals.

We rolled up to the bar and I started in on my already buzzing state of mind with a Cosmo. Plastic down on the bar, yes sir, please open a tab for me kind of a night. Lo scanned the room nervously and proceeded to down a Malibu and pineapple while honing in on her ex and narrowing her eyes into silts. I had every intention of being social and meeting new people, but purely in a non-attention getting, NORMAL kind of way. Lo knew just about everyone in the bar, since they all went to college with her, and dragged me around the room for introductions all while avoiding the burning stare of her ex.

It was only when I was introduced to both birthday boys that I felt the wind go out of me. One of the guys, Matt, was absolutely gorgeous. As he shook my hand and threw me an adorable heart melting smile, I felt my hands get that oh-so-clammy feeling and my fingertips slid down my martini glass in a smear of love sweat.

A tall, perky blond stood in a sentinel-like position behind him, casually chatting with a dark brunette. You know the stance- far away enough to say that she wasn’t cramping his style, but close enough to literally reach out and reign him in if need be. Lo noticed me looking at Matt as he retreated, and mentioned that he and his girlfriend, Dana, were a cute couple.

“Oh, darn,” was all I could really muster as I watched Dana flounce around the room as she clutched Matt’s arm and laughed.

Since all the good guys in Chicago are always taken, I accepted my defeat and started drinking heavily. Soon I was chatting with Dana herself at a bar table, dancing with Lo, and slinging back shots with Matt’s 21 year old sister. Life was good.

As I tucked back my fourth Cosmo and wiped off the remains of two Jager bombs off of my lips, I pushed the tables away and began getting down on the dance floor with Lo to classics such as Freaknasty’s “Da Dip” and Puff Daddy’s “Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down”. I was having an absolute blast. It was then that I noticed that Dana had disappeared and was nowhere to be found. Matt, however, was tearing up the dance floor, eyes wild, with fresh Red Bull stains on his polo shirt. Classy situation.

Imagine my shock when I feel a pair of arms sneak around me from behind as I’m dancing with Lo, and notice that someone is gyrating all over my back. Cue surprise when I turned around and realized that it was Matt, in all his drunken birthday glory. I began dancing with him, but kept my distance and incorporated a lot of twirls and spins into our dance routine, which is something I do with men if I’m nervous or don’t really want to be physically close to the person. In this case, I had to deal with a myriad of unsettled eyes compliments of all of Matt’s friends, who cautiously looked on to make sure that our dancing didn’t take a turn into Inappropriate Land. Lo kept shooting me looks as if to say “What the hell? Don’t take it too far” and I let my eyes tell the story of my innocence as I twirled myself away from Matt’s eager arms.

Suddenly Matt tried to kiss me. And at that moment while I pushed him away for the tenth time I thought to myself “You can either make the right choice and walk away now, or you could willingly and openly do what’s wrong and have some fun”. You can guess which idea won out.

Once I made that decision, I enjoyed kissing Matt’s neck slowly and sultrily as we danced and when all of his friends weren’t looking. It was fun to drive him absolutely wild. Finally he pressed me up against the wall of the bar and tried to kiss me again but this time everyone was looking so I kept playing dumb and pushed him away while whispering naughty things in his ear. The instant chemistry between us was utterly explosive.

By closing time, Matt was about to have a meltdown. He grabbed my arm in the chaos of the bartender’s yelling, and people drunkenly stumbling outside, and pulled me around the corner and feverishly kissed me like I was the last girl on earth. Not gonna lie, it was really hot. He then began to beg for me to go home with him. I told him that I wasn’t going anywhere without Lo, and since she was spending the night at my house, he had to get her permission first. Hos before bros, you know?

Since Matt is Lo’s bff, she readily agreed. So the three of us started walking across the street to Matt’s condo, and one of his work buddies seized the opportunity of the girl to guy ratio and ran across the street to catch up.

Once in his condo Matt kept the lights off and began graphically making out with me the moment Lo and Random Dude stepped out onto the balcony for a 3 a.m. breather. It then led to his bedroom, where I then knew I was past the point of playing dumb with Lo.

Before you assume that I rounded the bases, tuck those dirty thoughts back in your pants. I kept it strictly PG-13. But a very hot/borderline “R-Rated” PG-13.

Around 4:45 a.m., Lo texted me from the family room asking if I wanted to leave. I immediately replied YES. Matt however? He didn’t like this idea, and clung to me as he rolled on top of me in a desperate attempt to re-stimulate the makeouts.

As much as I love ze makeouts, now was not the time. The only thing in my mind was “how the hell am I going to sneak out of this kid’s condo”? I knew then and there that I had to pull out an ancient college sneak-out trick. I had to put Matt to sleep.

So there I was, fending off a kissing onslaught, and the “Oh baby baby’s”. I knew this wasn’t going to be an easy task. Immediately I asked him if he liked spooning. When he said yes I flipped him on his side, threw my arm over his stomach, and began lightly kissing his hair as I softly trailed circles into his back.

Sixty seconds later we had a winner. I then got up, tossed a sheet onto his naked body, and tip toed out of there. I got home around 5:45 just in time to see the sun start to peek over the horizon.

I of course made sure to send a rather unsettling text to Matt for him to enjoy when he woke up and realized the full extent of his indiscretions. I also may or may not have laughed. I am evil.

The entire evening was a total win because thanks to me playing it all innocent in the early start of the night, Lo wasn’t upset with me for getting it on with her bff. She remembered seeing me push him off, and said that it wasn’t my fault and I did all that I could initially.

I love it. And as for Matt and Dana? As of last week, Splitsville had a population of 2.

I think I’m going to leave the Red Stilettos in my closet for awhile.