"Dom Perignon" was the casual reply.
Without missing a beat I quipped: "Oh yeah? What year."
He looked up from my glass and cooly replied: "1999."
"Oh yes. That was a good year" was all I could manage as I calmly washed down the first of what was to be two glasses of the Dom P. deliciousness.
Inside, however, I was squealing with delight. As if I gave a hoot as to what year- I've never experienced Dom P. hitting my lips until Saturday night, and it took everything I had not to proverbially jump with joy. But no, I had to be cool. I was in the VIP room at Funky Buddha Lounge, a hip hop club that spins remixed tracks of all your old and new favorites, decorated in a Buddhist theme and oddly enough has a kind of hippy feel. The VIP area is an entirely separate room off of the main club that houses it's own private bar and tables for bottle service. When I joined the table there was some Vueve Cliquot on ice, and a bottle of Belvedere and Effen Black Cherry. Someone pinch me- I even had a spot saved for me on the comfy couch complete with throw pillows.
It's a funny thing to sit in VIP with people who can afford to spend ridiculous amounts of money on a weekly (or daily) basis. To sit there clutching your champagne flute, daintily taking sips, as you watch everyone around you act like this is no big deal. TJ himself reminded me of Brody Jenner, or one of the "Princes of Malibu" (same thing) in both his get-up and demeanor. Adorning his right pinky was a huge square ring that was an inch long coated entirely in diamonds. Are you starting to understand the nature of the evening?
An hour later TJ bought a bottle of Cristal and started drinking from it as if it was a bottle of beer. He offered me a pull and I wish I could have seen a picture of me chugging a bottle of Cristal in the middle of a night club. In case you were wondering, I think Cristal is better (let the snobbery continue).
As if this all wasn't enough, the rap group Wu-Tang Clan made a late night appearance and sat at the table directly to my right. They brought their entire entourage as well, and immediately began spitting mad rhymes and dancing/rapping to the music. I kept staring at them. First of all, they were HUGE. Secondly they had a show in Chicago last night and seemed to still be on their game so it was fun to watch. Rev Run of the illustrious Run DMC was supposedly supposed to show but never did. Bummmmmmer.
The night steadily progressed, and suddenly a fight broke out. A table full of girls on the other side of the VIP lounge erupted into madness. Before you knew what was happening, bottles of Grey Goose were flying. Puddles of vodka coated the floor along with shards of glass. Next door two other girls got into a fight, one pushed the other into some sort of candle, and burned off her hair. I am convinced that when there are blizzards people just find more and more ways to go crazy.
When I left I stepped into a snow drift that went up to my knees and watched in awe as the Chicago PD cuffed a bunch of people and threw them in the back of their cars.
I got home and realized that I spent $15 the entire night.
While we are on the subject of money and all that, let's move right along to our next segment:
Scene: Ken and Allison walk into Gucci. Ken is dressed the part, but Allison has just worked out and hasn't had a chance to shower or change her clothes. Let's see what happens.
Allison cam: Walk into Gucci, and every sales person in the store suddenly seems on high alert after giving me the once-over. Can't help but notice that every one seems to be staring at me. Seems like every woman in the store is a Glam-amazon and size negative zero. Thought 1: some of these girls might faint on the spot from malnourishment. Thought 1.2: I might have to save them. Thought 2: I love it with Kayleigh and I walk the streets of Chicago and when we see a disgustingly thin woman she and I mutter to each other "Man, that b*tch needs to eat a burger. Thought 3: Also love it when I'm with Kayleigh in her building's elevator with a particularly size 0 female and while holding two bags of Chipotle dinner loudly exclaim "I LOVE food. Wow, do I LOVE EATING" just to try and rattle her cage. But I digress. I reached out to point at a particular purse, saw a saleswoman visibly lean forward in distress and flinch. Decide to perhaps pretend like I'm near comatose so they stop thinking I'm a threat to society. End up next to another saleswoman and another woman who is shopping.
Saleswoman: We are currently having a big sale - so many things are half off! There are some great deals here today, and especially on all of our purses.
Random skinny shopper: Oh really? Well how much is it for THIS purse? [ed. note: points to one of many handbags without a visible price tag]
Saleswoman: It's only $1,500.
RSS: ONLY $1,500?! I cannot believe it's that cheap! Wow! Well I'm definitely going to buy this today!
Hmmm, right. Also found out that if you handle something or try a garment on, you have to buy it even if it doesn't fit or you hate it. Well, they don't make you, but they can pretty much make you wish you were dead if you don't.
Speaking of girls in my neighborhood and not eating: I had my building Christmas party last Thursday night. We had catered Italian food, an a full fledged bar to boot. As I nibbled on some mini-sammies I struck up a conversation with a few of my fellow neighbors, mostly female, and very very skinny females to boot. The following is a literal transcript of part of our conversation.
Girl 1 [while eyeing my sandwich]: Are those even good? They looked a bit iffy.
Me: Oh no, they're delicious. I highly recommend them. Aren't you eating anything?
Girl 1 [looking rather wistful]: No, no. I'm not very hungry [doesn't take her eyes off of my plate]
Me [as I swallow another delightful bite]: Oh ok then. So where are you from?
Girl 1: Ok maybe I'll get some pasta. Hang on.
*Comes back 2 minutes later accompanied by Girl 2*
Girl 1: Oh me too! Look at my thighs! [Ed. note, she doesn't have thighs. She has toothpicks. I took another bite.]
So if anyone is wondering my building is full of anorexic females in their mid-20's, and elderly people. Did I mention the old lady diva I saw at said party? The 80 year old woman with snowy white hair, high heels, an alligator skin purse, and huge Christian Dior shades encrused with diamonds? Did I mention she wore these stunna shades indoors and it was 8 p.m.? I bet you she's going to get custom made rims for her tricked out Rascal and get it made with the Louis Vitton logo with pounds of diamonds stuck to it. I want to be her.
In closing I'd like to add that there's nothing better than spending a Sunday at the Chicago Symphony Orchestra and topping it all off with a visit to Rosebud Steakhouse. Oh- that and I've realized that I know a real life Regina George. I don't want to say her name, but wow, is she a spitting image [personality-wise] to her. The world isn't safe when a movie character comes to life.
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