Tales from my Office, Continued

I just wanted to give some updates on what's been seen and heard around the office this week.

-The other day I was walking back to my desk when I noticed that one of my fellow female employees was standing and chatting next to another co-workers desk. Usually this wouldn't garner any special attention on my end, until I looked down and noticed that this woman wasn't WEARING ANY SHOES. That's right, she was letting her tootsies all hang out in their black-socked glory. She literally sits at the other end of the office, which means she paraded over to my end of the world without any shoes on in front of the entire office. That is so flippin' disgusting I don't even know what to do with myself.

-We have problems here with people pilfering other peoples lunches out of the communal office refrigerators. The stolen items range from cans of pop, leftover Chinese food, half eaten pasta, and homemade sandwiches. No food item is safe from the office thieves. This is why I never ever leave my lunch in there (unless out of sheer desperation). Well, someone finally decided to stick it to these office criminals because yesterday one single solitary newspaper clipping adorned the front of the fridge. The title read: "Office Theft: When Co-Workers Steal Food from the Fridge". Hopefully this will deter any future thefting. Take that office jerks!

-A really awkward 20 something male co-worker came up to my desk this week and loudly asked me if I had any Valentine's Day plans. Mind you about 12 other people sit in really close proximity to me, and can hear every word. I mutter something, and cutting me off this individual plunges headfirst into a story: "Yeah, I have a girlfriend this year so no celebrating "Singles Awareness Day" like I usually do. Usually my college buddies and I spend Valentine's Day drinking, gambling, and whoring." I see heads snap up from their reading; everything is eerily silent. I stammered something, and he continued to explain that they love to drink, gamble, and hit the strip clubs. Could this moment in my life get any worse? Is it possible to melt into a puddle, or slide down the seat of my chair and hide under my desk? Why do people constantly tell me rather unwanted awkward stories?

-I just went to the water fountain to refill my water bottle, and there was a super long, jet-black hair clinging to the bottom of the silver basin. I felt the bile rise in my throat.

-I just paid a visit to the infamous bathroom that resides 10 feet away from me, and it smelled like rotting pumpkins. You know, like the smell of leftover Halloween carvery that just gets smushy and rancid a week after its first incision. Disgusting.

-One of my favorite IT programmers just called my extension and after a brief chat burst out: "I'm feeling so kinky today!". English is definitely not her first language, and something most certainly got lost in translation. Couldn't stop laughing.

-Reading an email to our IT team members (that I oftentimes get included on) that read: "Dear Team, Doug did not have a heart attack. He pulled a muscle in his chest area due to his bronchitis. Thank you."

For more exciting Kayleigh office tales, please feel free to check out the following:

Office Christmas Party ridiculousness: being hit on by drunken married co-workers, getting choked by my CIO, and learning a crucial lesson- sometimes it's a good idea to not be nice.

Post-Christmas Party Retributions: Awkwardness runs rampant in Kayleigh's life due to Christmas party mishaps.

Don't get in my way, people: Lashing out and losing my mind.

and from recent memory:

Bathroom Disasters: Whatever you do, don't go in there.